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THE BOLLOCKS
1st Febuary Naughty Naughty
Sign My Spiritbook 
View My Spiritbook
Hi everyone lets start as usual with a little joke
Andrew and his wife, Gladys, were working in
the yard. Gladys was bent over weeding. Andrew looked and Gladys
and said, "Gee honey, your butt is as big as the BBQ."
She gave him an obscene gesture and continued weeding.
That night when they went to bed, Andrew got a bit amorous, but
Gladys was not responding. Andrew asked her what the matter was.
She said, "If you think I'm going to fire up my grill for
that little piece of meat, you're crazy."
Treat yourself to
CD
Patsy Kensit has revealed
she keeps her mothers ashes by her bedside and hugs the urn when
feeling down. She bought a large urn as her mother was
claustrophobic .....err yeah fine Patsy
STATUES
In a city park stood two statues, one female
and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many
years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and
said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and
have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your
greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30
minutes to do whatever you desire." And with that command,
the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby
woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to
himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes
rustling and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and
asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would
you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want
to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU
hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on it's head!"
If you click on Tony's card above this will link you to a few top rock bands that we rather like
AC/DC....Metallica.....Nine Inch Nails....Unforgiven Kingdom
QUOTES
This little bit usually features a few quotes credited to famous people, but they could be mine or yours if you
send them to me........paul@pleaning.freeserve.co.uk
"The astonishing truth is that the average person in the world is at greater risk of being killed by an asteroid than dying in a plane crash"----Professor Sir Martin Rees the Astronomer Royal.
"My parents gave up on spelling when my english teacher wrote in my school report: "Julia's spelling is week"
Conservative peeress----Baroness Cumberlege
"Look after Russia" Boris Yeltsin
FANCY DRESS PARTY
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume.
The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."
The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."
By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood.
The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle."
About this time of year people start to think about booking their summer hols a word of warning on bargain holidays make sure you get a bath that fits something bigger than a midget in it
So as you can see I booked a bummer last year
Another little joke
A very elderly couple is having an elegant
dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man
leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is
something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our
tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now
I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most
wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer
cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a
different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye,
she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he
did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was
admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his
eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as
she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says: "You."
Time to review a CD this month Megadeth....Risk
It's Megadeth but not as we know it Dave ! There is a fair bit of Nine inch Nails influence on this CD especially, on track 4 "Crush 'Em" listening to the CD as a whole you will notice that the usual Megadeth speed riffs seem to have disappeared from the repertoire, this CD must be good as I failed to notice this until the third play when I realised something was missing, but I didn't really know what and I was enjoying the music anyway. The riffs of course are still there but not so manic more laid back in style. Risk is a good CD I enjoyed every second of it I'm sure that it will gain Megadeth more new fans than those that will say " I don't like that I prefer the Old Megadeth". Well goodbye to those people who can't move forward Megadeth have and I welcome that.
Quote from Dave Mustaine of Megadeth..."The bands name means the act of dying, but, like really mega"
For more rock Quotes http://www1.50megs.com/tonybyng/QUOTES.htm
Want to buy Risk click on the banner below
An observation on life in traffic with lady drivers
(not mine, but Martin Philpott's I don't drive)
Paul an observation on life in traffic with lady drivers. Your travelling along the road and the male brain calculates 20 seconds ahead down the road and realises that there is a logical solution that will allow a fellow driver to enter the main flow of traffic just ahead of you without any inconvenience to yourself or the other traffic around. Normally all you have to do is flash once and the deal is complete, the other driver who has also been reading the traffic flow pattern gets the signal and enters the flow smoothly and without a problem. Perhaps this problem solving ability is a hunter thing handed down through the generations, even explainable by Darwin theory in the context of mans ability to hunt and make quick decisions. The equation is simple, logical almost perfect, until you find out that the other driver is FEMALE. There after all kinds mayhem proceeds. How wrong could you be? How could Darwin be wrong ? How many times have we all done it? The Female brain is thrown into a turmoil by the calculation. She becomes a mess of uncontrollable emotions. Not knowing weather to wave or engage gear, or even to check the mirror to see if her hair is still looking good. Seconds are ticking away and the equation is becoming tricky, her instinct is to be protective and to stall the engine. After 3 seconds your original plan is no longer an option, so the only alternative is to brake and increase the thinking time for the other driver. This is the worst thing that you could do when confronting a Female driver. She becomes flustered and feels that she is under the spot light. Her ability to restart the thing that lives under the front bit of the car leaves her brain completely, whilst she multitasks calculating which brand of soap to buy and when to pick the kids up from school. Finally after 6 seconds she makes a move, just when you think that you have no option but to move forward to prevent an accident. She moves into the flow as if to make a decision,and then stops again. You brake even harder now, behind you white van man is about to explode, the oncoming traffic is now braking hard to avoid an accident. The window of opportunity has long since gone ( 2 seconds ago). People at the side of the road are dialling 999 . The insurance companies are raising their annual charge, meanwhile she finally gets the message and solves the soap problem , engages gear and enters the traffic flow with a jumpy start. When driving a car perhaps there is an advantage to thinking about one subject! This is why all men should simply ignore females on the main road. "No, on second thoughts, cut them up! By doing this you will save lives and the roads will be allot less congested! This could even prevent Global warming! Jesus this idea could win the next election!" We have all been there! Martin.
Are there any ladies who would like to send me their views please E me ( paul@pleaning.freeserve.co.uk )
Legendary Deaths
How not to die: The dumbest deaths in history
Attila the Hun
One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.
How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night
In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation for ferocity on the battlefield, he tented to eat and drink lightly during large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was found dead the next morning.
Jerome Irving Rodale
Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major puplishing corporation.
How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while dicussing the benefits of organic foods.
Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.
Try these sites www.alltheweb.com a cool search engine, www.airsicknessbags.com - a museum of air sickness bags, www.banana-club.com - the banana club , www.xs4all.nl/~gdlk/index.html - a pencil sharpener club Sent to me from Dan if you have any sites worth looling at send them to him kgamble@netlineuk.net
Very sexy engine photos: http://www1.50megs.com/tonybyng/
Below a pic of Mr Byng's new beastie : Now that reminds me of a good beer.
Black Beastie a Beer of absolutely exquisite and piquant taste very lively and stimulating to the mind. At 4.9% gravity this beer will definitely stimulate your head if you sink more than four pints you will be in da,da land. Made by the Arundel Brewery in Sussex, England if you get a chance to sample Black Beastie do so, if you like a good beer you'll love it......
Time for a little joke
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were
seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being
friendly and all said, "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then
replied, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
Lastly some web sites to have a look at if you want sent to me by Woody
www.thinknatural.com .............http://www.cadw.wales.gov.uk/................http://members.tripod.com/~bognor/frames/f_index.htm
Click on the logo for Unforgiven gig dates and info
That's about it for this month if you enjoyed this issue of The Bollocks sign the guest book and let me know your out there...also if anyone wants to buy books or CDs use the links on these pages to Amazon I get a little commission and that helps to keep The Bollocks FREE
Oh Yeah
don't forget to send The bollocks to your friends....See Ya
.....Paul